Less really is more after all ...

I've recently discovered that I am exactly like that girl that Billy Joel is singing about when he says "she'll only reveal what she wants you to see". My family, my very few friends, my various coworkers and my veritable army of acquaintances all know me as someone just a little different. When I am at work I am different than when I am with real friends. I am not the same person at work that I am at home ... and vice versa (and thank goodness) ... and so on and so on and so on, ad infinitum.

My epiphany has come about as the result of my "worlds" colliding far too frequently. As more and more people I work with run into people I love, or judge, or teach ... or despise. Each time it happens I feel momentarily awkward. Downright naked even. This awkwardness isn't based in fact or any type of real logic (and because so much of what I do isn't this just shouldn't surprise me, geez) ... it's really just a feeling. I've always been a self-described "onion" and have been content with that to a large degree, but even I didn't realize how many layers I'd developed over the years until people from all over my life started wandering into each other and comparing notes.

Maybe no one person will ever know all my layers. Maybe I'll never know all my layers. Or just maybe that bit of self discovery is the exact point of having lived at all. I guess I'll find out because now that I'm aware that I've been unconciously "packaging" myself for my different "audiences" I've had to also embrace the realization that it's a lot of damn work! Fact is it's just too much work and it's making me old and tired so I'm electing to stop it ... right now ... cold turkey. From this moment on I'm doing myself a big favor and committing to being only one person instead of one person at a time. So please don't be hurt, or surprised, or mad if I'm a WYSIWYG (aka wizzywig) or "what you see if what you get" ... it's absolutely intentional. Having acknowledged my own facade, I won't now sacrifice my new-found self even if it means I may seem utterly, blatantly, and rudely truthful at times. Maybe this will make me unpopular. Maybe it won't. Either way it's okay ... such is life ... and real friends will be able to deal with it. Anyone who can't shouldn't let the door hit them on their way out. I'll make this small sacrifice for increased sanity, and anyway, the older and meaner I get the more I realize that I can do with less and less ... of everything actually.

Call it silly, call it selfish or decide not to call it, or me, at all, it's okay. I think I'll call it finally growing up and accepting myself, warts and all, and being happy with the real me.

:)